Opening Your Eyes

I often catch myself watching shows about border patrol.

I watched “Border Wars” for the first time a few weeks ago and ever since then, when I see that it, or any other show like it is on, I must watch it from start to finish.

Today, the episode was about a group of immigrants from Mexico and different parts of South America and South Asia trying to get into America. There was one guy from Sri Lanka, who had travelled for two months. He flew from Sri Lanka to Guatemala, Guatemala to Brazil, Brazil to Mexico, and then made the rest of the voyage on foot with the rest of the group.

When asked how much he paid to be smuggled into America, he said “$18,000.” The other members of the group were also asked how much they paid, and many of them said similar figures, the lowest being $10,000.

Their voyage ended in a takedown by the border patrol agents who capture immigrants seeking illegal entry into America for a living. I could not help but think about what this says about the circumstances these people face in their native countries.

After this takedown, the show featured a mother and daughter who had been left behind the group they were being smuggled into America with. The woman was from Ecuador. After finding a group of people that were headed for America, her and her daughter joined them. She told the “guide” (the person that smuggles them) that her daughter had asthma, and he assured her that they would only be walking for two hours and that they would be considerate of her. But when they finally crossed the border, the guide told her that they faced another seven or eight hours of walking ahead of them.

“I got scared,” she said. My heart broke for her.

Her daughter could not keep up. She had an asthma attack and fainted. She stopped, and the rest of the group carried on, forgetting that she and her daughter had been there in the first place. Her and her daughter wandered in the bush for two days until being picked up by border patrol, both of them with twisted ankles, empty stomachs, and broken souls.

The officials looked up her file and seen that she had been in America in October of 2002 seeking asylum. “The court process took very long, and the attorney they appointed me from the state didn’t show up. He didn’t come to see us, come to speak to us, nothing.”

The woman and her daughter were deported back to Mexico, where they had settled after being sent back from America in 2002.

I couldn’t help but feel guilty, almost, for having all that I do, while this woman and her poor, breathless daughter, had nothing. It really put things into perspective for me.

When I watched this show today, I realized that my problems, my fears, don’t exist for some people, simply because they don’t even have the resources to have such problems. 

Today, watching the news, I learned about the circumstances in Somalian refugee camps. The women face sexual and physical abuse by the people that are supposed to be providing them with asylum, the people they entrusted to help them.

One man described the story of his daughter being raped, in which he could do absolutely nothing because of the consequences he and his entire family would face. Women that are up to eight months pregnant are being raped and beaten on a daily basis.

After an 8 hour shift today, I was walking into my house and I stopped to look up at the moon. I saw that it was full and bright and covered in a beautiful mist of clouds. I couldn't help but notice how tiny I really was. The sight made me think about how small I was, how small I am, in the grand scheme of things and in the grand scheme of the world.

More than feeling small as a person, though, I thought about how small my “problems” were. I thought about how mad I got the day before when I had written a 2,000 word essay that didn’t save. I thought about how angry I was that I would have to re-write it, which really only took me less than an hour when I got home. I thought about how small my “fears” were. My fear of not passing a class, or becoming the journalist I intend to be. I’m afraid I won’t get a new car by the end of the year. I’m afraid of not having enough money. 

I’m afraid of all these things that in my eyes, are worthy of being afraid of, until I really open them and see the rest of what is out there.

Life can be a very humbling experience if we live it the right way. If we open our eyes to the things the world has to show us; the things that the world can show us, it can be a beautiful spectacle even in times of tragedy.

When I saw all the things I saw today, and learned all that I had learned, and thought about that one simple image of the moon toward the end of my night, I became fearless. I was afraid of not having enough when really, I already had everything that I needed, and believing I needed anything more was an insult to the people my mind had met that day; the Sri Lankan man that travelled for two months only to be sent back home, the woman and her daughter that got sent back to a place they fought so relentlessly to escape, and to the Somalian man and his innocent daughter who could not even fight to defend her.

The world is a big place. And as big as you think you are, as big as you think all your problems and all your fears might be, I encourage you to look up at the moon and the stars and remember all that is out there. There is a lot beyond just you. And there is a world inside of the night sky that seems empty except for the stars that scatter here and there. The sad reality is that it is the beautiful backdrop of a very ugly reality for a sickening amount of people. Luckily for you, your reality is beautiful, just like you.

This is just a simple reminder to count your blessings. Almost like you would count the stars. If they ever become hard to see, which they do sometimes, just open your eyes and look a little harder. 

They're there.

The 4 (+1) Noble Truths

If there is anything that the last year has taught me, it is the following five philosophies that I have come to learn are the most basic, simple, but necessary insights in living a fruitful and enjoyable life. I hope that they offer some guidance, something to hold on to, or at least serve as words of comfort. Here are the 4 (+1) Noble Truths.

1. Don’t seek revenge.

When Mahatma Gandhi said “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind,” he was entirely correct. We tend to have this tit for tat mentality that poisons us, impedes us, and blocks us from giving and getting love in different areas of life. If someone wrongs us or hurts us, it can sometimes be our only desire to hurt them back. In theory, this sounds like a simple and logical concept, and kind of sounds like the concept of karma. But in reality, no amount of your attention and energy, no matter how small, should be spent on what could be devoted to so many other beautiful regions of life like friends, family, and self-discovery.

The solution isn’t to strike back, it should be to move forward.

Even the phrase that I once loved, “living well is the best revenge,” has it slightly wrong. It assumes that we should want to live well as revenge against people who have wronged us, when really; we should want to live well regardless. Revenge can be healthy; you just have to learn how to eat your vegetables.

2. Speak less, listen more.

My Dad always used to repeat a Guyanese saying, “Mouth open, story jump out.” Coming from the same man that always told me “Less is more,” I didn’t actually value these sayings until I grew older. I used to think that at all times, everything I felt and thought needed to be made public. Later on, I would find myself re-evaluating my thoughts and feelings, not sure of how to articulate my new ones because I adamantly proclaimed the first feelings and thoughts I felt.

How many times have you wanted to eat your words, take things back, or feel like you should have said less?

I’ve come to learn that when it comes to speaking, “quality over quantity” is the rule of thumb. It’s not how often you speak, but what you say when you do. How you feel or think about something might not be the same a week, a month, or a year from now. Don’t commit to your immediate feelings and thoughts, leave yourself, your mind, and your feelings open to change. When you get there; write it in the sky.

3. Take your time.

People who make it to the top have an air of being cool, calm, and collected. Look at Barack Obama. The guy is the President of the most powerful country in the world and every time we see him he looks like he’s enjoying a golf tournament. Taking your time with things, everything from deciding on the words you choose to speak, down to the way you drive, is the key to being grounded.

Patience is a virtue; one that we must always exercise in order to not get bogged down by the things that pile up on us in life. Everything can and will be dealt with; this we know. So why become flustered and impatient when things have not yet come to fruition in the specific way we intended?

Slow down and pace yourself. Life doesn’t need to be lived in fast motion.

4. Find your peace.

I once read an article that said the simple phrase:

“Being at peace is being with what is.”

After my mind processed the words, I felt that in that moment, I had found my peace. We often have this idea that peace is when we get everything we want and find the ultimate satisfaction in all areas of life. But if you’re like me, that hasn’t happened yet, and might not happen for a very long time.

I’ve come to learn that peace, instead, is being happy, and more importantly, being okay with everything in your life the way it is at this very moment. This means removing the people and things that you don’t want in your life, and choosing to focus instead on the people and things that you do. It means narrowing your vision to the things that advance you forward, lift you up, and fuel your aspirations.

Your attitude is everything. Using it wisely will help you find your peace.

5. Lessen your needs.

I had a very interesting discussion today with my ultrasound technician, a beautiful Pakistani woman named Sarah, about how funny it is that we have all these technologies that we view to be “necessities”, simply because they have been introduced to us. We talked about the idea that some women refuse to give birth without an epidural, when hundreds of years ago, that wasn’t even an option.

This got me thinking about the things that we can live without, but choose not to. Things like our cell phones, having a certain amount of money in the bank, having a car, or having a huge pool of friends.

The truth is, we can live without all these things, we just prefer not to.

By humbling your needs, you humble yourself. More importantly, you experience a more quintessential version of life. Remember that you are a human, and humans are capable of a lot. If you don’t believe me, look at the world that has been created around you. To think you can’t make it through the day without your cell phone is an insult to yourself. To think that you need to have thousands of dollars to survive is untrue, and to think that you must be driven somewhere is to forget you have two feet.

Be honest, be realistic, and be fair in what you think you need. Don’t devote your life to things that distract you from living it.

The 8 Simple Steps to Happiness

Having experienced my fair share of bouts with negativity and sadness, and what my thirteen-year-old self thought was depression, I have come to recognize happiness in all forms. More importantly, I have come to understand the little things that can contribute to our overall fulfilment, satisfaction, and happiness. Here, I share with you, 8 simple steps to becoming a happier person and living a happier life.

1. Make a space for yourself, rather, make your space yourself.

      A personalized space made to suit your personality, hobbies, and interests is an essential part of all-round happiness. This could be your bedroom, your office, or your car. Whatever space this is for you, it needs to be a place that you can identify with. It is crucial that your space is reflective of you, complete with pictures of your favorite people, reminders of your fondest memories, and pieces of yourself everywhere. It must be a space that, when entered, allows you to connect with happiness.

      

      2. Keep good company.

The people you keep around you have a huge effect on your overall contentment. While some cases are so drastic that the immediate removal of these people from our lives is necessary, there are other options available. Simply becoming more in control of the effect our company has on us can do the trick. Pay attention to how you feel around certain people. If particular crowds make you feel less at ease, and maybe even a bit anxious, either stop hanging around them, or desensitize your emotions prior to meeting up with them. Sometimes, these people are our closest friends or family members. We might enjoy spending time with them, but they can still rub us the wrong way. You have to pick and choose what matters most; happiness, or keeping them in your life. Or, if the answer is both, find equilibrium.

3. Understand the impact of music.

Music brings happiness, when used wisely. Make playlists for times you need to cry, practice your model walk, or rock out to in your room. By controlling what you hear, you control how you feel. If a song that makes you cry all the time comes on, skip it. If the song your lame ex used to sing to you is next on shuffle, skip it. Opt for the upbeat, more light-hearted songs that light a fire within you. Then, burn shit down.

4. Spend time alone and be comfortable doing it.

Some people just cannot stand to be in their own company. This is a sign of an unhealthy dependence on others. Surely, we’ve all been at that place where all we wanted was company, but learning how to be alone is a lifelong skill that will reward you exponentially. Being home alone on a Friday or Saturday night is not the end of the world, and there are one million and two mothers and fathers and full-time workers in the world that would love to exchange places for your lonesome on any given day. So go on a solo shopping trip, watch a couple movies in your basement, or just jam out to your favorite music until you fall asleep. Just make sure that whatever you do, it is a bonding experience for you and you. 

5. Practice wellness.

Trust me; I'm no health and food expert. I have poutine and chicken fingers on speed-dial. But at some point, you have to remember that your body has needs too. Catering to these nutritional needs help you to feel much better about yourself, physically and mentally. Eating healthier, getting enough sleep, and the occasional workout (no matter how in shape you are) helps you to feel more energized, which in turn allows you to do more, and ultimately to live more. Substitute a salad for French fries every once in a while. When you’re in dire need of that poutine, you can eat it and enjoy it without feeling like you've just committed the ultimate sin. Remember: everything in moderation.

      6.  Do good things.

I'm still mustering up the courage to donate blood after hearing about the wonders that it worked, not only for the lucky recipients, but for the souls those who donated blood.

“As soon as I was done, she showed me the bag of blood and told me I just saved a life. Nothing feels better than that,” I remember my friend Paul telling me after he had been to a blood drive.

Doing good things, no matter how small, allows you to feel better about yourself. Smile at strangers, hold doors open for those in front and behind you, and always give up your seat for the elderly. These small tasks can really fuel your purpose as a citizen.

7. Kick pride to the curb side.

Having too much pride can get in the way, and even destroy, a lot of things. Apologize when you’re at fault, admit to being wrong when you’re wrong and my personal favourite  “Keep your words sweet in case you have to eat them.” This creates a set of realistic expectations of yourself, allows you to make mistakes, while still teaching you a lesson each time. 

8. Acceptance.

When I was 17, I had the genius idea of getting the word "redemption" tattooed on my foot. The idea behind it was that every step we take is a chance to redeem ourselves from things we have said or done in the past. But after a short while, I realized that I didn't have to redeem myself from anything really, and that bygones were bygones. I changed my mind and got "happiness" tattooed on my right foot instead. Because every step we take should be a step in the direction of happiness, and the future is much more important (and interesting) than the past.

This is the ultimate key to the ultimate happiness. You must accept things for what they are. Things like your past, matters that are out of your control and people that are no longer in your life need to be let go of.

Let go.

Move on.

And if you ever feel the need to revisit your past, do so, but only for a brief moment. Send positive thoughts to the people of your history, and then refocus on the people and circumstances of your present. Finding peace can only happen if we make room for it.  

So there you have it. The recipe for the most delicious dish of fulfilment  satisfaction, and happiness. Bon appetit mon amis!

Why We Should Say "No" More Often

Do you ever catch yourself saying yes to things just as a matter of habit or because you feel obligated? I’d like to think that it is part of the human condition to respond with this quick-fix answer and later on feel regretful, perhaps even resentful towards the situation we got ourselves into, not so willingly. How is it that we still say yes to people when asked to do something, or go somewhere, that we really have no interest in?

            

 As I was writing this, Goodlife Fitness called me and informed me that I have a free seven day pass to attend their gym. As I listened to the representative’s well-rehearsed speech, I looked out the window and saw snow, rain, and I think maybe the end of the world approaching. When he was all finished up, he asked, “So, are you interested in the free seven day pass?” And to my surprise, I said no.

I knew that if I said yes, I would end up avoiding phone calls from the gym, lying to the representative about why I couldn’t make it in, or why I hadn’t begun my trial as yet. I also knew that I would have to come up with another lie as to why I didn’t want to sign up for a year, granted they would most likely ask me on that seventh day. For once, I opted for the easy way out. The real easy way out.

Our problem is two-fold. The first part is what was mentioned above about feeling the need to lie and tell people what they want to hear, rather than have them deal with hearing the truth; your truth. Then, because we lied, we have to deal with the consequences within ourselves, through some elaborate façade because we have to maintain that lie.

The second part of it is that we tend to confuse the quick and easy solution for the real solution. We would rather say yes to avoid being questioned or asked to explain our choice on the spot, than to give our honest answer and our honest explanation, and put an end to the situation right then and there.

But somehow, I avoided this today in a three minute phone call, and was even thanked for my honesty.

                

Truthfully, it can take a long time to realize you have an addiction to saying yes. But if you constantly find yourself dodging phone calls, giving people the wrong number, or saying that you’re sick just to avoid going out, maybe you have some thinking to do.

The first step is to take your time when you are being asked a favor, being invited somewhere or anything else for that matter that you very well may not want to do. The trick to this is being considerate of how you might feel when the time comes around. Many times we say yes to things because at the moment it sounds like a great idea. Then you get cozy in bed on a Friday night after a long day at work, and going out doesn’t sound like such a great idea anymore.

The second step is to ask the right questions. Instead of immediately shutting down the Goodlife guy, I asked him if there was a time frame in which I had to use the pass, and he said no. While that was reassuring, and maybe even enticing, I knew myself well enough to know that by the time (if it ever came) I was ready to redeem it, I may have had too much else going on to make the time for it. Asking the right questions helps you to make clearer decisions when you’re being asked for an answer on the spot.

Speaking of giving answers on the spot, the last step is to use your right to the word “maybe”. This means allowing yourself a way out if you feel undecided. If the person needs an immediate yes or no and you have doubts, say no! The opportunity will more than likely come around again, unless it’s some coveted once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and even then, was this on your bucket list?

All in all, we cannot continue to live life being the victims of circumstances we have created for ourselves. We should do what we want with our lives, not what other people want us to do with it. So the next time you’re asked to stop and pick something or someone up, when really you don’t want to, say no! The next time you’re invited to a party you know you might not want to go to, say maybe. There is always more room to change your mind to do something than there is to change your mind against doing it, especially if you’ve already said that you would.

While this may seem like a small change to make, essentially, you are taking control of your life and your time; even if it will only be spent rolling around in bed doing absolutely nothing. And that, precisely, is the beauty of it all.