The 'End' in 'Friend', then the New Beginnings

I used to listen to Good Charlotte all the time in my teens. I wanted to be a rockstar, but listening to them loudly through headphones was as close as I got. One of the most powerful things I took away from my time being an active listener of their music was a line in a song that went like this:

“Best friends can become strangers. But I don’t want that, no not for you, if you just stay with me, we can make it through.”

I find that one lyric echoing in my head a lot lately while parting with many friends and friendships that I thought, at one point or another, would be lasting. Quite frankly, this lyric helped me to arrive at the peace I needed to discover, and showed me that some things just fall apart naturally.

9 times out of 10, it is in our best interest to let nature take her course.

I kind of just brushed off the recent “re-circling” of friends in my life as just another phase. I figured the people that were leaving were on their way somewhere else, and the people who were coming in needed me just as much as I needed them.

But then I thought, where am I going?

The more I thought about the direction I was headed in, the more I could account for the loss of some friends, and the gain of others. I noticed that the surer of myself I became, the less I saw of people who either weren’t sure of themselves, or didn’t want me to be sure of myself. The more career-oriented I became, the less I saw of people who didn’t care to get ahead, and wouldn’t know what to do if they ever got there. The last thing I realized, was that the better of a friend as I began to be, the better, although the fewer, friends I had.

Over time, some of us get to a point of self-actualization. I’m not talking Maslow’s hierarchy here, I’m just talking about being, feeling, like you know what you’re capable of. When you get there, you start doing things that you never did before, because you didn’t know you could do. Maybe you change the way you talk because you realize the impact of your words. Maybe you change the way you think because you realize how much results thoughts can generate. Maybe, quite simply, you love yourself a little more because you realize that you’re worthy of love; especially your own. Whatever changes you make as a result of being more sure of yourself, will illustrate to you, clearer than night and day, who encourages and promotes your growth. 

Conversely, it will make the ones who don’t stick out like a sore thumb.

When I decided to become a journalist, I made both a commitment and a sacrifice. I committed myself to journalism and the act of being a journalist. I committed to writing, my blog, to being an active citizen, to being a recipient and distributor of information to other citizens, and the list just goes on and on and on.

The sacrifice came from all the things, and people, I would lose in that process. I sacrificed the people who maybe wouldn’t have time to talk about the news with me. I sacrificed being friends with people who wouldn’t let me interview them in order to meet a deadline. I sacrificed shallow conversations for deep discussions and debates about what was going on in our world. And I sacrificed all the attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors of both myself and my company that would not actively contribute to me getting to where 

I want, deserve, and intend to be.

Friends will read your blog. They will let you talk their ear off about something they really have no idea about. Friends will come to you for “the inside scoop”. Friends will grab extra copies of the magazine you write for and only read your article. Friends will let you drag them out to networking events to mingle and schmooze with people just so you leave there with a couple contacts, and expect nothing more than a cocktail in return.  

True friends are the ones that would be disappointed if you didn’t make it. Anyone that wouldn’t didn’t care to see you get there in the first place.

The more I realized I had a few friends that were really willing to do all these things, the more willing I was to do things for them. I guess when you’re trying to make it somewhere, anywhere, you always remember those who helped you get to the next landmark. For me, that is any person that read one, just one blog post. It is anyone who sent me a text, a tweet, or an email to say, “Hey kid, you’re doing alright. Keep writing.”

But you also remember those who tried to point you in the other direction.

When people acquire wealth, fame, or success, they get accused of forgetting where they came from, and “changing”. But to people who have not the eyes to see it, growth is always viewed as change, and quite negatively too.

The lyric in the song says “If you just stay with me, we can make it through.”

That means they watch the whole race. In fact, they show up early and run a lap with you, just to get you going. They give you water when you become dehydrated. They come and jog beside you to keep you going. While your soul dwindles and almost dies within you, they say “You can do it”, and bring you back to life.

They don’t just show up at the finish line and expect to be part of your victory. They help you get there.

I look at the people that I have in my life and know why they’re there. I look at the people that aren’t in my life and know why they’re not.

Should we try and save friendships we care about? Yes.

Should we lose ourselves and our focus in the process of doing it? You can if you want to.

Or, you can accept the fact that some people don’t always make it to the finish line with us. Some people choose not to; others, simply, just can’t run the race.

Regardless, you still deserve to see, to touch, and to cross the finish line.

How to be Inspired by Career Envy

Somewhere, I heard that the best role model to have is one that you don’t really fancy.

By fancy, I mean like. If you think about it, it’s quite a strange concept. But if you think about it a bit more, it makes complete sense.

There is this girl that I absolutely despise. For shallow reasons of course; nothing that would make sense if I said them aloud. But lately, I have taken the time to psychoanalyze my dislike for this girl, and I have come to realize a few things.

She’s beautiful. She’s a journalist. She’s got amazing hair. She is ridiculously smart. She’s an amazing writer. She is famous. Essentially, I despise her because she is exactly where I intend to be.

Today, when I stumbled across something that featured her work, I tried to put my jealousy of her own accomplishments to the side, and instead, try and find some inspiration in her work. She was asked to give advice to young women looking to make it into the journalism industry. Her advice was that you have to have passion, amongst a few other things.

As she went through the list, I found myself identifying with a lot of the characteristics she felt were necessary to be a good journalist. It comforted me to know that I had these skills.

I stopped to think about why I had felt so envious of her, especially since I knew it was unjustified. And the more I thought, the more I healed.

I think sometimes when we see people who chase a similar success to us, and are closer to it than we are at any given point, we get frightened and afraid. We feel this relentless sense of competition that doesn’t let up. We either look for reasons to doubt ourselves, or look for ways to belittle the other; both are toxic.

The first thing we need to remember in times like this is that there is always room for the best and the brightest. This means that if you pursue your passion proactively, you will make it. People recognize hard work, but more importantly, people recognize passion.

Besides, passion produces hard work.

The second thing we need to remember is that worrying is silly. To jeopardize our experience of life and of living by worrying about not making it, not doing well enough, or not being good enough, we become those things. We become unable to make it because our actions are the sum of our thoughts. We don’t do well enough because we don’t do anything with conviction. And we become not good enough because we are what we say we are.

The last thing you need to remember is that you will get there. And you’ll get there in your own time. Envying another person’s success is the same as envying an older person because you were born after them; you’re going to grow up too. As she went through the list, she discussed the importance of education in rising to the top. I am in university, in one of the finest journalism programs being taught by the finest journalism experts in Toronto. I will graduate one day too. Don’t measure your success by anyone else’s. Measure it simply by whether you feel you’re doing enough. If you’re always using someone else’s empire as a frame of reference, you have no chance of becoming your own royalty.

I had two choices today. The first was either to continue to dislike her, and allow my pride to disrupt the valuable lessons to be learned from this woman. The second was to use her success as a means of building my own.

What I’m saying is, knowledge is more important than pride. If someone you don’t like can teach you something, choose the lesson, not the envy. If you’re a blogger with a smaller audience than someone else, look at their crowd-sourcing tactics in order to gain a bigger audience for yourself. If you’re a photographer, reach out to the person for some advice, maybe even some opportunities. If you’re a poet, ask someone what they do for inspiration, then ask what they do for an audience.

And if, like me, you’re a journalist, get down to the nitty-gritty.

This is a tough industry. But you too, can be tough. Develop your writing skills more. Meet more people. Write more stories. Work more. And mostly, work harder. 

But no matter what your pursuit is, use your resources. Simply because you deserve the same success, if not more, than whoever you feel your biggest competitor is.

It takes wisdom and maturity to be inspiredby envy, rather than consumed by it.

The Young Person's Guide to Financial Freedom

I recently came across financial stability.

I don’t define this as being rich, having tons of excess cash, or having tons and tons of gold from Oliver the Cash Man. Instead, it just means that I am able to pay my bills before their due date, buy something when I want it, and have money left over for a rainy day.

Part of this process has been becoming a lot more realistic about my expenses, a lot more realistic about my income, and finally, planning for the future.

This three step process is one that I have been practicing for a while, and have encouraged others, especially young women looking to take reign over their finances, to try also. Here is the three step plan in detail, and perhaps your guide to becoming more financially stable, with a reserved tank of funds for all of life’s expenses.

Before diving in, you have to figure out your monthly income. If it varies from month to month, work out an average from your last 6 months of pay. Once you have a solid number to work with, things become much easier.

1. Calculate your expenses, and be realistic.

Your expenses are pretty much anything you spend money on. This includes your bills, which are your needs, your variable expenses, which are most often your wants, and all the other miscellaneous things you pay for in between.

According to financial guru Gail Vaz-Oxlade:

50% of your monthly income should go to your needs monthly.

25% of your monthly income should go to your wants monthly.

10% of your monthly income should go towards savings monthly.

15% of your monthly income should go towards your debt monthly.

For instance, if your monthly income is $1000.00, you should spend up to $500.00 on things like insurance, your phone bill, your groceries, and rent, if you pay it. If you find that you spend more than 50% of your income on needs monthly, it’s time to rethink, and recalculate.

Can you really afford to live on your own, or is it time to get a roommate?

Is your phone plan too expensive?

Despite these expenses most often being fixed, there is always an alternative, and there is always a solution.

2. Be more realistic about your income.

I recently started working in a cheque cashing store that offers payday advances. You would not believe the amount of people that depend on payday loans to survive until their next payday. This illustrates a huge discrepancy between what the individual is making, and what they are spending.

If you are not making enough money, and have to fill the gaps with credit, loans from friends or family, or payday advances, you need to do something about it. This means finding another job that pays you more, working more hours, or getting another job that will put an extra couple bucks in your pocket per month. By depending on credit to give you what you don’t already have, you are entering into a spiral that can be very detrimental, and very hard to get out of. The interest rates are lethal.

The best thing to do is make more money, rather than look for ways to just have more money, because in the end, you will have none.

Or, if you do have money, it’s never really yours.

3. Plan for the future.

This is actually my favorite part of budgeting. It allows me to look at my future with hope and confidence rather than with sadness and frustration, which is the case for a disheartening amount of people.

Planning for the future isn’t necessarily opening an RRSP at the age of twenty, although if you can, you really should. Planning for the future is as simple as being aware of your bills and their dates one or two months ahead of when they are due.

For me, I have a Windows Excel spreadsheet. In the far left column, I write down all the categories I could possibly spend money on, things like travel, gas, insurance, clothes, entertainment, food, even a category for “miscellaneous” things that don’t fit into any category!

The columns at the top are the two weeks I have with each paycheque, and beside the date I put how much money I have to my name in total. Beside each category, I write down what I have spent every night before I go to bed. I call it “updating my finances”.

In the far right column, I write down whatever bills I have due that month. For instance, my phone bill is usually about $100.00/month, so I put that in red ink in the “Phone Bill” column. When I pay it, I change the red to green. It’s much easier on the eyes. I also write down what events are coming up that might cost a bit more money than usual, or a birthday that might require a gift, that way, I budget for these things, saving me the headache of being unable to afford to go out with my friends for a night, or buy a gift for a friend I really wanted to simply because I “had no money”.

Ever since I started writing down what bills I have due at the end of this month or next month, it has encouraged me to split the payments throughout the month instead of waiting until they are all due at the end, leaving me with no money for everyday life.

The three step process of results for this three step process of financial planning, you ask?

1. I have a lot more extra cash.

And by extra, I mean cash after I go shopping. Cash after I pay my bills. Cash after I go out to dinner. Being more aware of your money really helps to stop you from spending it all at one time, and all in one place.

2. All my bills are paid on time.

In life, you have to meet deadlines, whether it is for assignments, submissions, or finishing a book to bring it back to the library on time. Some of the most important deadlines you will have to meet are the financial ones; the ones that go on your financial credit report and determine whether you are a risk to creditors, landlords, and employers. Being able to meet and honor deadlines is being an adult.

3. I am less stressed about money.

I used to sit in my room and just stress out about paying this and that and constantly feeling like I never had enough money.When I realized that it wasn’t a case of not having enough money, it was simply a case of spending it on the wrong things, I felt richer. By knowing what portion of my money goes to what, I know what portion of my money I have for recreation and entertainment, and I can spend within that limit. I also get the added comfort of knowing that I am still saving, knowing that I am still paying my bills, and essentially, knowing that everything looks bright.

So there it is guys.

Some people spend their lives and their money obsessed with Nikes and Jordan’s; a pair of shoes that could pay a bill, or be tucked into a savings account. A pair of dunks won’t pay your mortgage when it’s time to buy a house. And surely, if all your money goes to shoes and clothes, you won’t even have a down payment. Is it really worth it in the end? You might look like the coolest guy on the block for the time being, but really, you're just poor and cool. Think about it.

While it is important to enjoy your money, it is much more important to make sure you have money to enjoy.

Happy savings!

Defeating Defeat

Today, while trying to work out yet another budget, I became overwhelmed by the expenses of everyday student life and had a silent, but deadly meltdown. I had just finished having a stressful conversation, although it was really more of a rant, with my parents about all the money I owed to my school and I listed off my concerns:

1. I had to pay back a few thousand in just a few months in order to enroll next year.

2. If it wasn’t paid in full, I would miss the courses that would allow me to go into the second half of my university career at another campus.

3. I had a trip coming up that I needed to save for.

4. I still had bills to pay in the meantime.

And on and on and on.

As the echo of the conversation became unbearable, I took a break and went surfing through my phone. I came across a photo with four squares, each containing quotes about why worrying is useless. One box said “Everything is only just inside your head. Stop worrying.” I gave myself a few minutes to let those words sink in.

While I sat back on my bed, holding back the kind of tears that come from feeling entirely helpless, I got a text message from my Dad. The text said:

“Remember Steph, I love you and we will work this out. Ok? Love, dad.”

My eyes welled with tears and began to stream down my cheek. I’ve cried thousands of times throughout my lifetime, but this time, the tears felt so different. They weren’t the tears that come from feeling sad. Or the kind that come when you’re angry. They weren’t even the tears that fall from feeling happy.

They were the kind of tears that come from having no hope in one instance, and more hope than you know what to do with in the next.

When I got that text message, I felt relieved. Something about the question mark after the “ok” made me feel like he was almost reminding me that this was no big deal. It was just a part of life that everyone goes through, but a part of life that cannot be faced, dealt with, and overcome without some sort of strength, and much less worry.

Ultimately, life doesn’t “just flow” for everyone. In fact, life doesn’t “just flow” for anyone. It is people that make life go smoothly. It is the decisions that they make, the words that they speak, and whether they take it all in stride.

It was really a case of:

“Whether you think you can or you can’t-you’re right.”

I looked at all the numbers and felt defeated, so my thoughts, actions, and words followed suit, and if there hadn’t been the intervention of that picture, paired with the text message from my Dad and my memory of Henry Ford’s quote, I truly believe I really would have been defeated and consumed by this debt, or rather, the illusion of it.

When I got back to budgeting, I broke it down monthly, then weekly. I did all the calculations I could that allowed me to live comfortably and productively. In the end, I saw that only a few minor cutbacks were needed, I would still get to go on and enjoy my trip, and by the time September came around I would be in great shape.

Henry Ford must have found himself in my exact situation, or at least one like it, when he spoke those words of wisdom and genius. Although I highly doubt that in his time, he was juggling a Rogers bill and a student loan, unless of course they had those in the early 1900s. But the fact that even one hundred years ago, these words rang true, is a testament to the power of your own thought.

That picture with four quotes about the uselessness of worrying, reminding me that “worry is a misuse of imagination” made me feel like maybe I hadn’t been imaginative enough. I should have been using my imagination to construct the scene of victory, rather than a war-torn path to bankruptcy. Instead, I clouded my own thoughts, my own imagination, with pessimism, ew!

If I were optimistic in this instance, I would’ve seen that I had the tools to help me get through this rut:

1. I got a new job that pays twice what my last job did.

2. I recently created the Gail Vaz-Oxlade budget (which I will be blogging about this sometime this week).

3. I was living rent-free.

4. I had a vacation to look forward to.

And on and on and on.

If you ever find yourself feeling defeated, which might be anywhere from a few times daily, or a few times yearly, it is up to you to defeat the feeling of defeat. Find some sort of ritual; listen to a certain song, have a good cry, get lost in an amazing book, or have a very large class of your favorite alcoholic beverage. Do something that allows you to be a stronger person for the time it takes to overcome whatever situation you find yourself in.

More than having a go-to ritual though, we have to set ourselves up for victory; mentally, physically, and emotionally-which means preparing for breakdowns such as the one I had today. The truth is; most people set themselves up for failure too easily. When we hear people tell us that we can’t do it, we believe that we can’t do it. It might not get to us at first, but after we continue to hear it, we start to believe it.

Take that and flip it. If the more we hear something, the more we believe it, then everyday we should be telling ourselves that we are winners. Everyday we should tell ourselves that we can do it. And in the case we, for some reason, cannot find it within ourselves to say the words, we should have people there to tell us what we need to hear to keep us going.

In this case, it was my Dad. It was his short text message, the thirty seconds he took to type it, and the need in my heart to hear it, which in turn allowed me to believe that yes, we will work it out.

Because everything always works out.

Yet still, we worry. Still, we get upset. We get frustrated, and we get angry. But how far can a car make it with the engine light on, the oil light on, the gas light on, and the service light on? Every piece of worry, every piece of frustration, every piece of anger, is like a light on your dashboard that needs to be turned off in order for you to run better, perform smoothly, and most of all, arrive at your destination.

If you’re going to be in the car, you really ought to think about taking the driver’s seat.