The Art, and Act, of Forgiveness

The other day, I watched one of the most moving films I have ever seen in my life.

It wasn’t Titanic, or The Notebook. It wasn’t Schindler’s List or The Green Mile. In fact, I had never even heard of it before. It was a TV movie called “Bond of Silence”.

The movie featured actors I had never come across in my movie-watching career, which is usually confined to TV movies as I get fidgety when it comes to things that don’t have commercial breaks. I must have tuned in about ten minutes into the movie, enough to skip past the rather unimportant credits, horrible intro music, and scenery, scenery, scenery.

From what I could gather, it was New Year’s Eve. Two houses on the same street across from each other were having a party. One household was full of drunk teenagers, the other house held six adults; three married couples, two sleeping children upstairs, wine, and board games.

When midnight hit, the teenage party became louder and louder, prompting the three husbands, to go over and tell the kids to keep it down a bit. One of the men, Bob, who had lived in the house across the street, was very good friends with the parents of the boy who was having a party. So you can only imagine how upset he was when he found six or seven teenagers in his friends’ room smoking pot. He calmly told them to take the party downstairs.

Shortly after, one of the men that had made the trip across the street with him walked into the room to find him lying on the ground, not breathing.

An investigation concluded that he had died of blunt force trauma to the head, despite it initially being assumed that he died of a heart-attack. His wife, who had been across the street at home with her two friends the whole time, had no idea of what was going on.

The movie followed her journey toward closure. Nearly the whole town had rallied against her after one of the young teens in the room that night had been arrested. She was told to “leave them alone” and that “they were innocent”. Yet still, she persisted, wanting nothing but to be able to answer her children’s questions about where their father went, and why he wasn’t coming back.

For months and months, she felt as if she had been conducting the investigation alone, as the lead detective on the case had become tired of turning up nothing. Every lead led to nothing. No one would talk. The case was at a standstill.

There was one other option though. And that was to speak to perhaps the most intoxicated young teens there were that night, as he was present in the room, and may have held the key to what really happened that night. She thought that maybe if he could just remember who it was that punched her husband, who it was that kicked him, it might break the case wide open.

Finding him turned out to be very difficult though, as he, ever since that night, had become involved with heavy drugs and run away from home. But one day, he turned up at the police station.

“Just let me talk to him,” she said to the detective. He looked at her as if she was crazy, wondering what in the world that could possibly accomplish.

“I’m a mother. I know how to talk to kids. He’s probably scared, but he definitely wants to get it off of his chest,” she explained.

Within a few days, she sat with him in a room, face to face with the young boy that might be able to tell her who killed her husband. She showed him pictures of her children, of her husband, of her entire family together. She then looked at him, in this complete state of vulnerability and said,

“Please. Just tell me what happened.”

He agreed to talk to the detectives. She watched the interview from behind the one-way glass. And he explained that he was the one that killed her husband. He talked about being so fed up of always being picked on, bullied, and undermined by his peers that when the first group of guys got her husband down on to the ground and left, he stayed and took out his anger. He said that he had kicked him and kicked him until he couldn’t go on any longer. And then he left.

He was placed under arrest shortly after completing the interview and walked out of the police station.

She stood and watched him approach her, his face a mess from the trauma of reliving the night he became a murderer, her face a mess from discovering the truth. And as he approached, she wiped her tears away immediately, as if to be strong for him. Then she gave him one of the most gracious, graceful, and grateful looks I have ever seen one human give to another in my life.

In that moment, it was just understood that she forgave him.

I cried and I cried and I cried, not knowing how to respond to the simplicity, but depth and meaning of this scene. I thought about what this meant in the context of my own life, of all of our lives, and how important forgiveness really is.

The movie was based on a true story. The wife, Katy, went on to work with the killer, Ryan, in high schools, and talk about the dangers of alcohol and over-intoxication. The final scene of the movie was a real-life clip of them at a high school hugging after giving a presentation.

Sometimes we get upset at people because they hurt our feelings, because they blow us off, because they say something offensive, because they break our hearts, or just because. We hold grudges of the ultimate magnitude because we don’t know how to forgive, but most often because we do not want to forgive.

But in this case, there was a woman who lost her husband. Who had to be a single parent to two innocent children for the rest of her life. Yet she was still able to forgive the person responsible for all that. She was able to say, “I accept, I understand, and I forgive you.” By forgiving him, she allowed herself the chance at a life. A real life.

If she were to carry with her in her heart the anger that the everyday person would feel, can you imagine what waking up everyday would be like? She would overlook the joys of the simplest moments and indulge instead in the hatred and animosity that she may have felt, even if only for a brief moment, over and over again.

When we choose not to forgive people, we choose to be prisoners of the past. When we choose forgiveness, we choose to be students and residents of the future. This means that we get to learn, we get to teach, but most of all, we get to live.

The question we have to ask ourselves is how we can move on from these people, these situations, if we cannot find it in our hearts to forgive. If everyday we wake up with baggage from yesterday, how can we move into tomorrow with room in our suitcases for lessons, for relationships, for growth and knowledge?

There are two misconceptions about forgiveness. The first one is that you need an apology in order to forgive. False. You can forgive someone even if they are not sorry the same way you can hold a door open for someone who might not say thank you, or for someone who might go through the other one anyway. You are simply declaring that your door is open anyway.

The second misconception about forgiveness is that it is for the other person, not you. False. Completely false. In fact, forgiveness is almost more so for yourself than for anyone else.

Forgiveness is your freedom.

You might be holding on to a grudge, or two, or three, and you may not even know it. It may be locked so deeply away in the secret vaults and hidden chambers of your heart that you feel you are completely free. But ask yourself, are you?

If you ask me, Katy is free. Maybe Ryan is too. He spent 5 years in jail for the murder, and I’m sure that gave him a lot of time to think. While some people might think that 5 years is nothing for someone who took the life of another, Katy might think that 5 years is just enough for him to have really reconciled his heart. And isn't that worth more than a man who spends 25 years in prison but comes out the same person he entered as?

In the movie, she said, “this is not about revenge. It’s not about vengeance. It’s about peace.”

Everyone deserves peace. Even Ryan. But the truth is, we will never be at peace, we will never be free, until we can truly let go. Letting go doesn’t just mean letting go of the things that have been said and done to us, but also the things we have said and done to ourselves. So let go, and live on.

Not everyone deserves forgiveness, but everyone, and I mean everyone, deserves to forgive.

All You Need is Less

I just don’t care anymore.

Those words spewed out of me the other day while I walked around in circles in my room, venting in my head about all the people that had “hurt my feelings”. I felt a tear run down my cheek. I looked at myself in the mirror and looked so pathetic, crying over nonsense that I stopped immediately and was awfully disgusted with myself.

“I just don’t care anymore.” Like projectile vomit they came out again.

I had been through a lot that week. I was temporarily unemployed, I had a lot of unstable and unsteady friendships, I was recently single, and I was feeling anxious about turning one year older. My life was in limbo.

My love life was a disaster. I had returned to being the hopelessly romantic Carrie Bradshaw. Except I didn’t have the apartment in Manhattan, the sex column in the news publication, or the three friends that would catch me if I fell. I only had me. At least, I thought.

When things are up in the air like that, I don’t cope well. I prefer things to be planned properly, executed in an organized fashion, and for things to go smoothly. But for some reason, that week was just all over the place. And so was I.

Last week, though, I began working full-time. The eight hour work days, paired with my two-hour lectures at school left me with little time for, how do I word this correctly, bullshit. Essentially, I became an adult. An actual adult.

It wasn’t the long work days, the achy feet, or the mature demeanour I had to take on when I walked into my new job. It was the realization that a lot of the time I spent on bullshit was spent on bullshit because I had time for bullshit. Now, I don’t.

That was my freedom.

My Dad always told me “your gut’s full”, whenever I would cry, moan, or complain about things that didn’t deserve any attention. And like many of the things he told me growing up, it didn’t make sense until recently.

The truth is…my gut was full. I had more friends than I had time for. I had more time than I knew what to do with. And I had so much to do that I never did any of it. And because I had too much of everything, in some strange way, it left me feeling unfulfilled, and even more unappreciative.

Now, I have just enough time to really and truly enjoy it. My long days end with a glass of wine and some alone time in my room. Because my time is so limited, I don’t even dare to turn on the television.

Silence is a gift.

I write what I can, while I can. I no longer force myself to sit there and feel constipation in my brain. I just let it come naturally.

I learned that all the things that took place prior to me making my entry into “adulthood”, happened because I needed to know who and what deserved the limited time I would soon have. The people that “hurt my feelings”, hurt them because the universe was telling that they weren’t worth my efforts, my time, and surely not that one lone tear that rolled down my cheek that day.

I learned that some things just happen, and some things just change. It’s neither here nor there. It just is what it is.

The key is to minimalize your needs to a very healthy low. At some point, you will receive a wake-up call that comes at you like a bucket of ice cold water in a deep sleep. A sleep that you probably would not have awoken from, not any time soon, and it is a shame to think that you might never open your eyes to see the light, the beauty, of day.

If something happened in your life recently that has led you to wonder what it all means, you better believe it means something. It might be in your best interest to take a step back, remove yourself from all that you have going on, and ask yourself if you really need it, need them.

When I felt that my feelings were hurt, it was largely my fault for allowing my feelings to be in the hands of people that wouldn’t take care of them, of me.

When I felt that I had so much to do yet I wasn’t getting anything done, it was because I took on things I didn’t want to, or need to, I took them on just because, leaving me with no motivation whatsoever to actually do it because I didn’t want to in the first place.

If you feel that you have too little of everything, chances are you have too much. And if you're unable to appreciate it, its because sometimes, what we really need, rather, all we really need, is less.

Dealing with Distraction

You sit down, you’re ready to write or read, finish your homework, get started on that essay, or whatever the case may be. But then your phone vibrates. The voices in your head tell you to check your email first. Or, my personal favorite, “I can’t work in a dirty room,” and you pick up the only two shirts that were on your floor and begin to dust everything until it’s time for bed, forgetting completely that you had something to do.

Why are we so easily distracted? Why are looming deadlines not enough to scare us into getting something done? More importantly, how do we deal with distraction?

The other day, it was time for a new post and as soon as I came up with the idea, I began writing. I had four internet tabs open, music playing, my television on, and my phone right next to me, both vibrate and ring turned on, and I was logged onto Skype. Everytime I strung a sentence together, I would check Twitter, look for a new song, change the channel, or check my phone, even though it hadn’t vibrated or rung. An hour had passed, and the one page that was supposed to be full of words only had a few. I wasted the last hour of my life on absolutely nothing.

I was pissed. I was mad at iTunes for not playing a proper shuffle set and that I had to keep changing the song. I was mad at my television for stealing my attention away from my writing. I was mad at my phone for requiring me to type in my passcode and never having a message at the end of my touchpad journey. I was mad at Twitter, I was mad at Skype…you get the point.

Then I thought, if I really want to do this, I will. So I got rid of all the distractions. I even disabled my wireless internet connection. I closed all programs and only kept open my word document. It took a few minutes for me to stop staring at the posters and paintings on my wall, and I found myself itching for the converter, but after a few minutes, my focus had been narrowed.

It narrowed so much, in fact, that I was able to apply this revelation to other aspects of life. I thought about all the things I had on my to do list, my bucket list, or my places to discover list. Why had I not done them yet? Why had I not visited those places yet? I thought about all the things that I allowed to dominate my attention, people included.

The lesson here is that there are a million and one things that can get in the way when wanting to do something. These distractions can turn a simple task into something much more time-consuming. The inevitable effect of this lack of time management is a waste of time, literally.

The simplest solution is to start becoming more conscious of what you do while you’re doing something. Are you “multi-tasking”, or are you just doing multiple tasks? Once you recognize and acknowledge bad habits, they become much easier to change.

Moreover, this will help you in the larger scope of things. If you’re trying to graduate, attempting to save money for a car or a condo, trying to write a book, or simply working on making healthier choices, all these tasks require one thing (amongst many others): focus.

Focus isn’t forgetting about everything else you have going on; it’s about properly prioritizing your tasks. Often, the ones we know will take longer to accomplish are the ones we put off, for one reason or another. But of course, I have a quote for a moment like this, and it goes as follows:

“Never give up on a goal because of the time it will take; the time will pass anyway.”

So if you find yourself farther from a goal than you had hoped, look at the things that are distracting you from drawing nearer to it, and eliminate them. Let go of the people that make you feel bad when you say no to hanging out with them, because you promised yourself you would create another painting instead. Let go of the excuses you make that stop you from doing something; like opening up an untouchable savings account because you’d rather spend money on food instead, even if it’s “only ten dollars a week”. Let go of all the voices in and outside of your head that tell you to “put it off until tomorrow.” And let go of the reasons you feel you can’t do it. Because you can, and you surely deserve to.

The 4 (+1) Noble Truths

If there is anything that the last year has taught me, it is the following five philosophies that I have come to learn are the most basic, simple, but necessary insights in living a fruitful and enjoyable life. I hope that they offer some guidance, something to hold on to, or at least serve as words of comfort. Here are the 4 (+1) Noble Truths.

1. Don’t seek revenge.

When Mahatma Gandhi said “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind,” he was entirely correct. We tend to have this tit for tat mentality that poisons us, impedes us, and blocks us from giving and getting love in different areas of life. If someone wrongs us or hurts us, it can sometimes be our only desire to hurt them back. In theory, this sounds like a simple and logical concept, and kind of sounds like the concept of karma. But in reality, no amount of your attention and energy, no matter how small, should be spent on what could be devoted to so many other beautiful regions of life like friends, family, and self-discovery.

The solution isn’t to strike back, it should be to move forward.

Even the phrase that I once loved, “living well is the best revenge,” has it slightly wrong. It assumes that we should want to live well as revenge against people who have wronged us, when really; we should want to live well regardless. Revenge can be healthy; you just have to learn how to eat your vegetables.

2. Speak less, listen more.

My Dad always used to repeat a Guyanese saying, “Mouth open, story jump out.” Coming from the same man that always told me “Less is more,” I didn’t actually value these sayings until I grew older. I used to think that at all times, everything I felt and thought needed to be made public. Later on, I would find myself re-evaluating my thoughts and feelings, not sure of how to articulate my new ones because I adamantly proclaimed the first feelings and thoughts I felt.

How many times have you wanted to eat your words, take things back, or feel like you should have said less?

I’ve come to learn that when it comes to speaking, “quality over quantity” is the rule of thumb. It’s not how often you speak, but what you say when you do. How you feel or think about something might not be the same a week, a month, or a year from now. Don’t commit to your immediate feelings and thoughts, leave yourself, your mind, and your feelings open to change. When you get there; write it in the sky.

3. Take your time.

People who make it to the top have an air of being cool, calm, and collected. Look at Barack Obama. The guy is the President of the most powerful country in the world and every time we see him he looks like he’s enjoying a golf tournament. Taking your time with things, everything from deciding on the words you choose to speak, down to the way you drive, is the key to being grounded.

Patience is a virtue; one that we must always exercise in order to not get bogged down by the things that pile up on us in life. Everything can and will be dealt with; this we know. So why become flustered and impatient when things have not yet come to fruition in the specific way we intended?

Slow down and pace yourself. Life doesn’t need to be lived in fast motion.

4. Find your peace.

I once read an article that said the simple phrase:

“Being at peace is being with what is.”

After my mind processed the words, I felt that in that moment, I had found my peace. We often have this idea that peace is when we get everything we want and find the ultimate satisfaction in all areas of life. But if you’re like me, that hasn’t happened yet, and might not happen for a very long time.

I’ve come to learn that peace, instead, is being happy, and more importantly, being okay with everything in your life the way it is at this very moment. This means removing the people and things that you don’t want in your life, and choosing to focus instead on the people and things that you do. It means narrowing your vision to the things that advance you forward, lift you up, and fuel your aspirations.

Your attitude is everything. Using it wisely will help you find your peace.

5. Lessen your needs.

I had a very interesting discussion today with my ultrasound technician, a beautiful Pakistani woman named Sarah, about how funny it is that we have all these technologies that we view to be “necessities”, simply because they have been introduced to us. We talked about the idea that some women refuse to give birth without an epidural, when hundreds of years ago, that wasn’t even an option.

This got me thinking about the things that we can live without, but choose not to. Things like our cell phones, having a certain amount of money in the bank, having a car, or having a huge pool of friends.

The truth is, we can live without all these things, we just prefer not to.

By humbling your needs, you humble yourself. More importantly, you experience a more quintessential version of life. Remember that you are a human, and humans are capable of a lot. If you don’t believe me, look at the world that has been created around you. To think you can’t make it through the day without your cell phone is an insult to yourself. To think that you need to have thousands of dollars to survive is untrue, and to think that you must be driven somewhere is to forget you have two feet.

Be honest, be realistic, and be fair in what you think you need. Don’t devote your life to things that distract you from living it.

The 8 Simple Steps to Happiness

Having experienced my fair share of bouts with negativity and sadness, and what my thirteen-year-old self thought was depression, I have come to recognize happiness in all forms. More importantly, I have come to understand the little things that can contribute to our overall fulfilment, satisfaction, and happiness. Here, I share with you, 8 simple steps to becoming a happier person and living a happier life.

1. Make a space for yourself, rather, make your space yourself.

      A personalized space made to suit your personality, hobbies, and interests is an essential part of all-round happiness. This could be your bedroom, your office, or your car. Whatever space this is for you, it needs to be a place that you can identify with. It is crucial that your space is reflective of you, complete with pictures of your favorite people, reminders of your fondest memories, and pieces of yourself everywhere. It must be a space that, when entered, allows you to connect with happiness.

      

      2. Keep good company.

The people you keep around you have a huge effect on your overall contentment. While some cases are so drastic that the immediate removal of these people from our lives is necessary, there are other options available. Simply becoming more in control of the effect our company has on us can do the trick. Pay attention to how you feel around certain people. If particular crowds make you feel less at ease, and maybe even a bit anxious, either stop hanging around them, or desensitize your emotions prior to meeting up with them. Sometimes, these people are our closest friends or family members. We might enjoy spending time with them, but they can still rub us the wrong way. You have to pick and choose what matters most; happiness, or keeping them in your life. Or, if the answer is both, find equilibrium.

3. Understand the impact of music.

Music brings happiness, when used wisely. Make playlists for times you need to cry, practice your model walk, or rock out to in your room. By controlling what you hear, you control how you feel. If a song that makes you cry all the time comes on, skip it. If the song your lame ex used to sing to you is next on shuffle, skip it. Opt for the upbeat, more light-hearted songs that light a fire within you. Then, burn shit down.

4. Spend time alone and be comfortable doing it.

Some people just cannot stand to be in their own company. This is a sign of an unhealthy dependence on others. Surely, we’ve all been at that place where all we wanted was company, but learning how to be alone is a lifelong skill that will reward you exponentially. Being home alone on a Friday or Saturday night is not the end of the world, and there are one million and two mothers and fathers and full-time workers in the world that would love to exchange places for your lonesome on any given day. So go on a solo shopping trip, watch a couple movies in your basement, or just jam out to your favorite music until you fall asleep. Just make sure that whatever you do, it is a bonding experience for you and you. 

5. Practice wellness.

Trust me; I'm no health and food expert. I have poutine and chicken fingers on speed-dial. But at some point, you have to remember that your body has needs too. Catering to these nutritional needs help you to feel much better about yourself, physically and mentally. Eating healthier, getting enough sleep, and the occasional workout (no matter how in shape you are) helps you to feel more energized, which in turn allows you to do more, and ultimately to live more. Substitute a salad for French fries every once in a while. When you’re in dire need of that poutine, you can eat it and enjoy it without feeling like you've just committed the ultimate sin. Remember: everything in moderation.

      6.  Do good things.

I'm still mustering up the courage to donate blood after hearing about the wonders that it worked, not only for the lucky recipients, but for the souls those who donated blood.

“As soon as I was done, she showed me the bag of blood and told me I just saved a life. Nothing feels better than that,” I remember my friend Paul telling me after he had been to a blood drive.

Doing good things, no matter how small, allows you to feel better about yourself. Smile at strangers, hold doors open for those in front and behind you, and always give up your seat for the elderly. These small tasks can really fuel your purpose as a citizen.

7. Kick pride to the curb side.

Having too much pride can get in the way, and even destroy, a lot of things. Apologize when you’re at fault, admit to being wrong when you’re wrong and my personal favourite  “Keep your words sweet in case you have to eat them.” This creates a set of realistic expectations of yourself, allows you to make mistakes, while still teaching you a lesson each time. 

8. Acceptance.

When I was 17, I had the genius idea of getting the word "redemption" tattooed on my foot. The idea behind it was that every step we take is a chance to redeem ourselves from things we have said or done in the past. But after a short while, I realized that I didn't have to redeem myself from anything really, and that bygones were bygones. I changed my mind and got "happiness" tattooed on my right foot instead. Because every step we take should be a step in the direction of happiness, and the future is much more important (and interesting) than the past.

This is the ultimate key to the ultimate happiness. You must accept things for what they are. Things like your past, matters that are out of your control and people that are no longer in your life need to be let go of.

Let go.

Move on.

And if you ever feel the need to revisit your past, do so, but only for a brief moment. Send positive thoughts to the people of your history, and then refocus on the people and circumstances of your present. Finding peace can only happen if we make room for it.  

So there you have it. The recipe for the most delicious dish of fulfilment  satisfaction, and happiness. Bon appetit mon amis!

Why We Should Say "No" More Often

Do you ever catch yourself saying yes to things just as a matter of habit or because you feel obligated? I’d like to think that it is part of the human condition to respond with this quick-fix answer and later on feel regretful, perhaps even resentful towards the situation we got ourselves into, not so willingly. How is it that we still say yes to people when asked to do something, or go somewhere, that we really have no interest in?

            

 As I was writing this, Goodlife Fitness called me and informed me that I have a free seven day pass to attend their gym. As I listened to the representative’s well-rehearsed speech, I looked out the window and saw snow, rain, and I think maybe the end of the world approaching. When he was all finished up, he asked, “So, are you interested in the free seven day pass?” And to my surprise, I said no.

I knew that if I said yes, I would end up avoiding phone calls from the gym, lying to the representative about why I couldn’t make it in, or why I hadn’t begun my trial as yet. I also knew that I would have to come up with another lie as to why I didn’t want to sign up for a year, granted they would most likely ask me on that seventh day. For once, I opted for the easy way out. The real easy way out.

Our problem is two-fold. The first part is what was mentioned above about feeling the need to lie and tell people what they want to hear, rather than have them deal with hearing the truth; your truth. Then, because we lied, we have to deal with the consequences within ourselves, through some elaborate façade because we have to maintain that lie.

The second part of it is that we tend to confuse the quick and easy solution for the real solution. We would rather say yes to avoid being questioned or asked to explain our choice on the spot, than to give our honest answer and our honest explanation, and put an end to the situation right then and there.

But somehow, I avoided this today in a three minute phone call, and was even thanked for my honesty.

                

Truthfully, it can take a long time to realize you have an addiction to saying yes. But if you constantly find yourself dodging phone calls, giving people the wrong number, or saying that you’re sick just to avoid going out, maybe you have some thinking to do.

The first step is to take your time when you are being asked a favor, being invited somewhere or anything else for that matter that you very well may not want to do. The trick to this is being considerate of how you might feel when the time comes around. Many times we say yes to things because at the moment it sounds like a great idea. Then you get cozy in bed on a Friday night after a long day at work, and going out doesn’t sound like such a great idea anymore.

The second step is to ask the right questions. Instead of immediately shutting down the Goodlife guy, I asked him if there was a time frame in which I had to use the pass, and he said no. While that was reassuring, and maybe even enticing, I knew myself well enough to know that by the time (if it ever came) I was ready to redeem it, I may have had too much else going on to make the time for it. Asking the right questions helps you to make clearer decisions when you’re being asked for an answer on the spot.

Speaking of giving answers on the spot, the last step is to use your right to the word “maybe”. This means allowing yourself a way out if you feel undecided. If the person needs an immediate yes or no and you have doubts, say no! The opportunity will more than likely come around again, unless it’s some coveted once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and even then, was this on your bucket list?

All in all, we cannot continue to live life being the victims of circumstances we have created for ourselves. We should do what we want with our lives, not what other people want us to do with it. So the next time you’re asked to stop and pick something or someone up, when really you don’t want to, say no! The next time you’re invited to a party you know you might not want to go to, say maybe. There is always more room to change your mind to do something than there is to change your mind against doing it, especially if you’ve already said that you would.

While this may seem like a small change to make, essentially, you are taking control of your life and your time; even if it will only be spent rolling around in bed doing absolutely nothing. And that, precisely, is the beauty of it all.