Thinking of Getting Back With Your Ex? Read This First.

I am the queen of regret.

It’s not the kind of regret that would stop me from doing something terribly stupid like getting tattooed without my parents permission or sneaking out of the house late at night as a teen.

It’s the kind of regret that drove me back to the doors of my exes after I had shut them loudly behind me a few months prior.

If you were to ask me what it was about my life in the weeks and months after a break up that made it feel necessary to perform the walk of shame, I would tell you I had no clue. But after noticing the cycle repeat itself for more than a year, I knew I had to make a change. One day, scrolling through photos, I saw one that said:

“How do you know you’re over someone? When you miss the memories more than the person.”

In that moment, I knew that I wasn’t going back because I actually missed these guys. Believe me, they were different people when I went back. And I was a different person as well. But trying to get back a memory is 

like trying to imitate a candid photo.

It just can’t happen. Not without force.

In my humanities class, we learned about the formation of habits, and how to put a stop to them. It was a three step process, referred to as a habit loop in which we acknowledge the cue, recognize the routine, and reap the reward.

So I asked myself, what’s my habit loop?

For me, my cue was loneliness. Right after a break up, I’d have this celebratory phase where I felt this fierce independence and loved sleeping alone. I loved the fact that my phone didn’t ring as much. I loved that I didn’t have to spend twice as much on anything, I loved being free.

But after a few weeks of this, I would get lonely again.

My routine was always marked by that first phone call to my most recent ex from a blocked number with nothing at all to say at strange times during the night. I would send carefully constructed text messages to re-integrate myself into his life, slowly but surely. And then finally, I would somehow become his girlfriend again.

But the reward, at least not the reward that I had hoped for, would never come. I was somehow under the impression that maybe if I just got back with the guy everything would be perfect. Whatever issues we had before had surely just disappeared by the grace of God or magic, or both. We could have a brief discussion about the problems that haunted us and led to our initial departure out of each other’s lives and things would be perfect.

Or so I thought.

If you’re thinking about getting back with your ex, here are three things that I, as a professional get-back-togetherer, implore you to consider.

Be logical.

If it didn’t work out the first time, what makes you so sure it will work out the second? Not to say  that second chances never prevail, but walking away from a messy room and returning to it a few days later doesn’t mean it’s clean.

You have to seriously consider the issues that you and your ex had. Are the two of you as a couple damaged beyond repair? If so, why go back? If the only reason for your return is the loneliness you feel from an empty void that hasn’t yet been filled by anyone else, that isn’t fair to you or your former partner. Suck it up buttercup, move it along, and just be patient.

Which brings me to my next point…

There are plenty fish in the sea.

I hate to be all cliché and mainstream, but this is probably one of the most overlooked facts when we’re in that post-break up phase. Get out there! Try new ways of dating; online, speed-dating, going to new parties in new places, network. Even if you don’t find new love, you might find new friends. And they might even be so cool that you’re too pre-occupied doing fun stuff with them that dating goes on to the back burner.

Also, keep your eyes open for people who are already in your life. We can’t always see someone’s potential when we have our relationship goggles on. But once they’re off, people become a lot more (or a lot less) appealing. Go for coffee, go for dinner. But don’t go to the movies. There is no time to talk in a theater. And conversation is the best way to really get to know whether you’re compatible with someone.

And lastly…

You survived. Remember that.

Everytime I was clear-headed enough to look back and reflect on why I went back to this guy or that guy, I always laughed at myself.

“Why did I go back to him after I proved to myself I was able to survive without him?” I would ask.

It’s like a person who has successfully swam a third of the way to the shore, then decides to turn around to get to a paddleboat. You’re almost there, you don’t need the paddleboat.

If you did, you wouldn’t have made it this far.

So whether you go back or not is entirely up to you. This post wasn’t to shackle you to the wall or confine you to your current circumstances. But it was definitely written with the aim of giving you a little more hope in your current circumstances.

Ultimately, you still have to make the final decision. And I don’t believe that any decision we make is the wrong decision. It may not be the best, but there is no such thing as a wrong choice.

But just remember what I said about the swimmer and the paddleboat.

Just keep swimming.

The tides might get high, and you might get some salty water in your nose or your throat, you might even feel like it gets hard to breathe sometimes.

So keep your head above the water.

That way, you can at least see the beautiful shore you’re on your way too, which isn’t too far in the distance. 

Close enough that regardless of whether there’s anyone there, you can look forward to the warm and welcoming sand at your feet.

But until you get there, and even when you do…

Don’t look back. Because you’re not going that way.

And there are much, much more unbelievably and remarkably beautiful things ahead.

The Dangers of Post-Break Up Dating

After my relationships come to the usual gruesome and gradual halt, I often find myself alone again.

I always follow my usual routine of giving my number to every walking penis I encounter, standards completely abandoned, only to ignore the endless calls and stream of text messages.

I find that for the first few weeks after a break-up, this does me a lot of good. It gives me people to talk to, when I feel like it, dates to go on, if I feel like going out. But I think ultimately, what it does is help to make me feel desired-a feeling many normal human beings long for after a split, and often the few weeks before the split.

But I also find that in the few weeks after the first few weeks, there is a pang of loneliness that sets in amidst all the phone calls, text messages, unread Facebook messages in the inbox, and so on, that is so hard to explain.

But then I had a revelation.

As I sat in my girlfriend’s living room last night watching I Survived, a woman told the story of how a man broke in to her house and dragged her out into the woods by her home. Despite fearing every possibility that ensues in this kind of situation, the only thing that she could think of was how to keep the man away from her husband who was upstairs sleeping.

She stayed quiet, did exactly what the man said, and even though she could have screamed at once, letting her husband know she was in danger, she knew that meant also endangering him.

At the very end of the show, she talked about how she had used this experience to connect with other rape victims and said:

“It gave all of this a purpose. And that’s all I need.”

The effect of watching this woman’s retelling of her survival story was twofold. The first effect was how she could love someone so deeply that she was willing to endure the dangers of the unknown, so long as it meant protecting him. The second effect was how important purpose can be, and the dangers of doing something with the absence of it.

I realized, in that moment, that the reason we feel so lonely after we get over the excitement of being newly single, free, is because we indulge in things blindly, with no direction and no purpose, that feeling empty and unfulfilled at the end of it, or before it even ends, is entirely inevitable.

Truthfully, the type of shallow desire we crave after a split is a breeding ground for disappointment. The satisfaction of sex is not at all the satisfaction that is grown from a deep and true connection to someone and a complete understanding for who they are, where they are coming from, and where they hope to go.

Despite this revelation I had being quite miniscule, it was the greater understanding that allowed me to forgive myself, and arrive me at peace.

For so long, I found myself making the same mistakes repeatedly. I had these outrageous double-standards with myself and others, and as much as I felt like I was this big bad wolf that knew exactly what she wanted, 

I really had no idea.

The truth is, no one knows what they want after a break-up.

Knowing when to leave a relationship doesn’t mean you’ll know what to do after the fact. Having the courage to go after what we want doesn’t mean we actually know what we want. And do you have any idea how much what we want changes when we’re on our own?

We might want to love, so deeply that we’d be willing to be dragged into a forest to protect our partner. We might want to care about someone so truly that their well-being is our greatest concern. We might want to be desired so much that it becomes about the soul, not the sex.

But just because we want something doesn’t mean we get it. And certainly not in our timing either.

My advice, and this is for you just as much as it is for me, is this:

Don’t force yourself to do anything.

If you don’t want to pick up that phone don’t you dare pick up that phone. If you don't want to go on that date, don't go on the date! 

Be interested, not desperate.

People can sense weakness like some dogs sense danger. More importantly, it can make you easy prey for ill-minded people looking to get the best of you. Keep yourself and your feelings at bay.

Recognize what is and what isn’t.

I know a break-up can blur our vision sometimes, but if we lose our ability to call a spade a spade, we end up falling for people who don’t truly care for us, and end up caring for people who aren’t true to us.

And one last thing…

Always, always, always find your purpose.

How Do You Know When to Walk Away?

Over the summer, I had a conversation with a girl I had only known as an acquaintance. We got into a pretty deep discussion about the idea of limits. She was trying to decipher when she was going to leave her boyfriend who she loved so much, but felt he was not treating her the way she desired (or deserved).

After explaining her situation to me, she let out a big hopeless sigh and asked, “When do I know it’s time to walk away?”

I looked at her, not with pity, sorrow, or sympathy. But instead, with belief. And I said this:

“If you’re still with him, it means you’re not done yet. It means you still have something left to give, and you love him enough to give it to him. So stay.”

She looked a little confused, hopeful almost, for more. Luckily, there was. Then I said this:

“But if you already see the end coming, chances are it’s coming. One day you’ll wake up and have nothing left to give him. Not in a bad way, and certainly not in terms of weakness. You’ll just be really done with him and the relationship and you’ll want better for yourself. Then, you’ll go get whatever that is.”

Two things about relationships:

It’s rarely ever the break up itself as much as it is the after effects. That’s why we get mad and dump our partners in the heat of the moment; only to rush back to them in a snotty hurry after the split up has just begun to settle in.

The relationship itself teaches us things about ourselves that we didn’t know. Sometimes finding these things out results in us and our partners being incompatible, and yet still we force our way into each other’s lives and wonder what the problem is.

The truth is that people just need to smarten up and bring their expectations back down to earth. We can’t measure emotional circumstances by time. We can’t put a deadline on when, wait for the clock to strike a certain hour before we leave, or threaten people that won’t change not because they can’t, but because they don’t want to.

It’s nonsense.

It sounds simple because it is really simple. The only thing that’s confusing about it is our emotions, and emotions will always confuse, misguide, and redirect us. But you find that equilibrium between your brain, your heart, and your gut, and you feel it out and follow it.

Don’t go comparing the new people that enter your life to the last one you had; they’ll never be the same. One might have terrible rhythm but amazing communication skills. One might not have the best sex but will do it so passionately that you’re mesmerized anyway.

As time goes on, you will learn.

You’ll learn about love, you’ll learn about life, you’ll learn things about your present partner, and you’ll probably come to understand things about your past partners that for one reason or another, you just couldn’t understand at the time.

But most of all, you’ll learn about yourself.

You’ll learn about who you really are. As close as you get to knowing, you never really know. You’re always growing and changing and evolving and opening up to life. You’ll find out what you like and what you don’t like, what you need and what you desire. The more you accomplish, the higher you’ll set the bar for yourself.

And you might even learn, as I have so many times, that after all this time, it wasn’t you.

It wasn’t your standards. No, they weren’t too high. It wasn’t that you couldn’t love him or her. It wasn’t that you weren’t good enough. It was never a matter of you two being soul mates, as opposed to two souls that just met and mated.

It was just that him, her, them and they just were not ready yet.

But maybe, you weren’t ready either.

Trust your experiences.

But more importantly, trust your gut. If there is still love and will in your heart, use it all up until there isn’t any left. And when you’re tank is all empty, go everywhere to fill it. New classes, new people, new hobbies, new alone time, new music, new writing, new books, and the list just goes on and on and on.

But never, ever, become a new you, before you try building on the foundation that was already there.

Because chances are, that foundation will fit perfectly with the life you have in store, which you will, just by grace, end up in, so long as you trust the process.

5 Steps to Surviving a Break Up and Actually Healing

A break up is never easy.

Well, maybe sometimes. But let’s be honest. Not every case is the same as Blu Cantrell’s “Hit ‘Em Up Style”, or Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”.

Having been through more than enough break ups, temporary break-a-parts, break up to make ups, and the list goes on and on, I have discovered a foolproof formula that makes the whole process a lot less difficult.

Well, for me anyway. But who else’s perspective would I be writing from anyway?

Breakups are twofold. The first component is the difficulty in detaching ourselves from someone that we’ve molded ourselves and our lives to fit. Hence it can be much more difficult to separate from someone you’ve spent years with over someone you’ve only spent a few months with.

But still, there is difficulty in each.

The second component, perhaps even more difficult than the first, is the public becoming aware of that breakup, and asking all the questions that we hate to be asked, and hate, even more so, to answer.

It sounds shallow, but let’s face it. We live in the Twitter generation and the Instagram era. Pictures get removed, comments go away, the tweets stop coming, and the creeping never stops. But allowing yourself to get bogged down and tied up in this pattern is exactly what makes the process so difficult, so tiring, and sadly, so hurtful.

Here is my remedial recipe on how to get through a break up, distance yourself from the hurt, grow closer to yourself, and even rediscover a new happiness.

Purge to accept

It’s ironic that I list this as the first step and rarely ever is it actually the first thing that happens. This is the stage where you let it all out. If you feel like screaming, you scream, if you feel like crying, you sob, and if you feel like laying still, you lay still.

This stage is especially important because it is the first sign of acceptance for whatever has transpired. This is the storm before the calm where you come to terms with what is, and especially with what is not. This is where you get angry and punch pillows. This is where you sing all your breakup songs and cry and sing a boogery and snotful song until you fall asleep. The best part about this? The new day that awaits you.

Clean your room

Fast forward to that new day. There is often the misconception that the new day is the day after the split.

Wrong.

That new day can take days, weeks, and depending on the severity of the case, months to come. All that means is that you have an extended purge period, and your new day will be even brighter.

Cleaning your room is extremely symbolic. It is a cleanse of all the clutter, memories, good or bad, and just stuffthat once removed, allows you more room for new things, and new people to enter your life.

I firmly believe that one’s room is an exact depiction of their life and personality. (You should see the things I have on my walls) Do you ever find that after a long weekend of partying and no sleep, your room is just a disaster? Or those days where you feel completely in control, your room is spic and span?

Connect the dots.

You want to have a space that has, well, space! Make it an enjoyable task. Get down and dirty, scrub your floors, carpets, dig underneath your bed.

Reinvent your room, reinvent yourself.

Find a hobby

Love this part. Mind you it, like purging, can make an appearance at any point of the process. Nonetheless, it is as simple as staying busy. Only recently have I recognized how crazy the concept of boredom is. I mean think about it. The fact that we scroll through our feeds and timelines whenever we get bored, which over the course of a day, can add up to more than one hour, is nuts.

The most magnificent part of this stage is that it requires you to open your eyes and recognize the vastness of your surroundings, your city, and if you ever get there, your world. Join a class, volunteer, start a new book and tell yourself to finish it by the end of the month, book yourself a ticket and go somewhere.

The more time you spend being productive, the less time you have to think about unproductive things. There is a lot out there. Go and discover.

Create a playlist

Ever watch a movie and realize how much the music affects the experience? The same goes for your life. One of my first blog posts, “The 8 Simple Steps to Happiness”, included a step that demanded that you carefully choose the music you listen to.

During such a sensitive time, it is essential that you use all the resources possible to find strength, or at least substitute it.

Personally, I’d be nowhere without Kelly Clarkson and Celine Dion, and not her slow stuff. I’m talking about her songs “I’m Alive”, and “A New Day Has Come”. The titles alone are enough to pick someone up.  

Create your playlist, play it as often as possible. And don’t forget to dance.

Spend time alone

Who spends time alone after a break up? I do. And here’s why.

Right after a break up, the feeling of isolation and loneliness can be so hard to escape. Oddly enough, one of the best ways to rid yourself of those feelings is to immerse yourself in your own company. Sounds strange right? The trick is to change the purpose.

A lot of times we’re alone because no one’s home, our friends aren’t around, we’re not meeting up with them yet, etc. But how often are we alone because we want to be?

One of the best opportunities a break up can present you with is the opportunity to begin to enjoy your own company. This is an opportunity that must be seized. Spending time alone is important because it’s crucial that we find comfort, enjoyment, and most of all fulfillment in solitude.

Once we learn how to depend on ourselves for the things we once depended on someone else to do, be it the lover that left, or the friend we no longer speak to, our need to have others around decreases. Not to the extent that we become hermits, but to the extent that if they’re there, they’re there, if they’re not, they’re not.

Through it all, we must remain whole.

I would like to remind you, at this point, and perhaps this is also a reminder to myself, that the end of someone being in your life should never mean the end of you.

And never, should it ever, mean the end of your happiness.

Don’t beat yourself up because you felt down for a bit. Don’t get confused if you find yourself wanting and needing someone that you promised yourself you wouldn’t. We are human, and this is a part of the human condition.

But…

We are also super humans. And part of that means acceptance. Part of that means allowing our emotions to run freely, but not letting them take over us. And the very last part is rediscovering the happiness and peace that we initially sought after, not from beginning the relationship, but from being born.

We are all after something. For some, it’s wealth. For some, it’s success. For some, it’s fame. But behind all of those things lie the desire to be happy, and the desire to be at peace. These are things we cannot find if we constantly allow the arrival and departure of others to vary our ability to pursue the things that we want.

Think of it like this. In the heart of Toronto, you will find Union station. There is often construction going on 

outside of the building, and hundreds of trains come and go to different parts of the city, different parts of Canada, and even into the United States. It is quite busy.

Yet still, if you look at the structure of the building, it is what it was years and years ago. It hasn’t moved, it hasn’t changed, and it is just the center of exchange.

Imagine if upon every entrance, and every departure, of each passenger and of each train, the station lost a bit of their foundation. A brick would fall here, a glass would shatter here, and a stone would eject itself from the building.

In our lifetime, we will meet so many people that come, go, stay for a while, longer than we need them to, and sometimes not long enough.

Don’t lose your foundation.

Don’t be the train. Don’t be the passenger. Don’t be the construction going on outside of the building. Be the station.

And what that means is, be stationary.

If people come, they come. If people go, they go. You must accept them when they arrive, wave them off and wish them safe travels when they decide it is time to depart.

But don’t ever let your foundation falter. If you need work on different areas, let that work be done. But you must not crumble, and you must not hit the floor.

Not unless, of course, you’re just looking for an excuse to complete this five step process. Because after all, it can bring you a little farther away from the hurt. It can bring you a bit closer to your happiness. But it really, really does bring you closer to yourself. 

In any event, fall wisely.